Rebuilding Trust in a Relationship
Trust in a relationship is foundational to emotional safety and intimacy, enabling the relationship and the people in it to thrive. Betrayals of trust in a relationship can happen through major breaks in trust or small cumulative incidents that erode security over time.
- Major breaches of trust may include physical, emotional or digital infidelity, secrecy, or financial betrayal.
- Smaller breaches of trust may include emotional withdrawal and neglect, disrespect, relationship disengagement or hot and cold behaviour.
These breaches destabilise even the most healthy relationships. When a breach of trust takes place, many see this as a rupture — an ending of a relationship.
However, it doesn’t always have to be. Instead, with the right support and guidance, these disruptive incidents become critical turning points in the relationship, helping to build a stronger foundation for the future.
Couples counseling is a structured and supported path to rebuilding this trust and helping to guide each individual and the couple as a pair into a new way of relating and trusting.
The Emotional Impact of Broken Trust
Broken trust in a relationship can have a number of emotional and deeply impactful ramifications. In fact, research shows that betrayal in a relationship can create trauma.
Defined as “being harmed by the intentional actions or omissions of a trusted person”, betrayal trauma can cause symptoms such as shock2, loss, grief, morbid pre-occupation, damaged self-esteem, self-doubting, and anger, according to research, and can “produce life-altering changes”.
Researchers highlight3 that the effects of betrayal are not limited to relationships, but are also linked to exacerbation of anxiety disorders and other mental health disorders, including obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
This can contribute to the destruction of an individual’s ability to trust in general and, consequentially, cause the betrayed individual to struggle with future relationships.
Research shows that this betrayal can contribute to the development of dysfunctional attachment styles4, lead people to expect harm from loved ones, struggle with emotional intimacy and struggle to rely on other people.
While betrayal can deeply affect the person who has been betrayed, research shows that it can also affect the individual who did the betraying. Studies have shown that perpetrators of betrayal often struggle with guilt, shame5 and low self esteem2.
Furthermore, unresolved issues related to betrayal can often resurface later if they are not addressed and intentionally repaired.
Is Rebuilding Trust the Right Choice?
Whether or not a couple decides to work on intentionally repairing a relationship after trust is broken depends on a variety of factors.
Importantly, both partners must be willing to engage openly and honestly about the betrayal and its impact, and to take responsibility for any roles each individual may have played in the betrayal.
Equally, it is important to recognise the difference between the desire for the relationship to default back to its “normal” dynamics and committing to real growth and change within the relationship.
In one study, researchers suggest that healing a relationship after betrayal is a progress of “post-traumatic growth”, where couples work together to re-establish their relationship. The researchers highlight that this process includes actions such as assessing damage6, taking accountability, reconnecting, communicating, re-establishing trust, and practicing forgiveness.
Often, couples counselors can help each person to assess and understand whether or not this is a step they need to take without implementing pressure or blame to either parties.
How Couples Therapists Support Trust Repair
Couples therapists play an important role as a neutral, structured and supportive mediator during relationship repair.
Assisting with conflict-resolution, couples counselors can help each partner take accountability, re-establish trust and cultivate communication skills that can facilitate repair.
One study examined how therapists support conflict resolution in couples therapy7, highlighting healthy compromise, reciprocity and fairness, detecting harmful entitlement patterns, and addressing the ethics of care in relationships.
Furthermore, couples and marriage therapists can help foster an emotionally safe environment for difficult conversations to take place, helping couples to feel safe and supported when exploring their thoughts, feelings and needs around the relationship.
It is important to remember that rebuilding trust after betrayal in a relationship is an ongoing process that takes time, not a single conversation that can be concluded with one therapy session.
Kayla Crane, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), who runs a couples counseling practice in Colorado, works with couples on rebuilding trust. Crane says that trust doesn’t come back through promises — it comes back through consistent action over time.
“My job is to help couples create a roadmap for that. First, we get really clear on what actually happened. Not to relitigate or assign blame, but because you can’t heal from something you won’t name.
“The hurt partner needs to feel truly heard before they can even think about moving forward.”
Crane emphasizes that rebuilding trust takes time, and to support her clients she helps with working on “micro-moments of repair.”
“Trust isn’t rebuilt in one big conversation. It’s rebuilt in hundreds of small moments where someone shows up differently than before,” says Crane.
Core Steps to Rebuilding Trust (With Professional Guidance)
When working to repair and rebuild trust in a relationship following betrayal, it is important to work with professional guidance. This ensures a neutral, supportive and structured approach to repair.
These approaches may often follow a number of different steps that can help couples on their journey to establishing new boundaries, re-connecting with each other’s needs, and re-establishing commitment.
Acknowledging the Rupture
An important initial step to rebuilding a relationship after betrayal is acknowledging the betrayal. This can look like naming what happened clearly and honestly, taking accountability for the roles either, or each individual played in the betrayal.
Equally important to acknowledging the betrayal itself, is validating the emotional impact on the person it has affected rather than minimizing or ignoring the impact.
Couples therapists can help partners see the roles each person plays within the relationship, highlighting how each person’s behaviours contributed to the breach of trust.
Taking Responsibility and Offering a Genuine Apology
Taking responsibility for the roles played by each individual in any relationship betrayal is a vital part of rebuilding.
An important part of healing is offering a sincere apology — one that is not defensive and reflects genuine empathy for the other person’s experience.
Couples counselors can help each party navigate through the task of taking accountability and apologizing, helping to prevent blaming or ensuring premature forgiveness is not given if the other party is not willing to take responsibility.
Rebuilding Communication After Betrayal
In order for couples to understand each other and fix a relationship after trust is broken, clear and calm communication is vital.
Couples counselors can help to create space for each partner to share their emotions, ask questions and seek clarity from each other, as well as teaching each person how to express their needs without accusations or without shutting down.
Consistency, Transparency, and Follow-Through
To rebuild trust in a relationship following betrayal, couples must take actionable steps.
A systematic review of literature on rebuilding trust in relationships8 has highlighted five key themes for trust repair in relationships. These include:
- Proactive transparency
- Active monitoring
- Remorse and accountability
- Shared activities
- Clear communication of reasons for the betrayal
Couples counselors can help each person navigate these steps with honesty and accountability, and help to repair any misunderstandings or missteps in the process.
Time, Patience, and Emotional Regulation
Repairing a relationship when trust is broken can take time and patience. Often, the issues that arise in this process are emotionally taxing, and learning ways to regulate emotions can help couples better navigate their communication and remain grounded and present during difficult conversations.
Facing challenges and setbacks will be a natural part of this process for some, and waves of emotions may also come up.
Couples counselors can help navigate each person’s frustrations or fears, and provide motivation and support in the face of fatigue.
Boundaries and New Agreements
For successful relationship repair, it is important for couples to establish boundaries in the relationship9 in a clear and respectful way.
It is helpful for each individual in the relationship to define what safety and respect looks like for them.
Counselors can help couples define and establish these boundaries, and provide a neutral ground of mediation for what reasonable boundaries look like.
Empathy, Perspective-Taking, and Emotional Repair
Practicing empathy and taking on the others point of view can help couples to re-establish trust and emotional intimacy.
In fact, research shows that “perspective-taking10” — seeing things from a partner’s point of view — is positively correlated with increased emotional intimacy, and can improve conflict resolution11.
Every person’s emotional landscape is different, and working to see your partner’s perspective provides a deeper level of understanding, helping couples to move away from blame12 and toward a mutual curiosity about what happened.
Forgiveness as a Process, Not a Demand
Forgiveness can sometimes be a big barrier to reconciling a relationship following betrayal. Often, many perceive that forgiveness means forgetting what happened, that it means what happened was okay, or that it means they have to reconcile with the betrayer.
Another common thought around forgiveness is that if we forgive, we may get hurt again. Counselors can help couples navigate this process by providing an environment where forgiveness can be given only once safety and repair are present.
Once this safety and repair is established, forgiveness is in fact an internal process for the person who is forgiving more so than the one who is being forgiven.
By practicing forgiveness and self-compassion13, we are able to free ourselves from feelings of resentment, anger or hatred14 that might cause pain within ourselves and prevent us from moving forward with relationship repair and trust rebuilding.
Couples therapists can further support this process by providing acceptance and self-compassion tools that can help reduce rumination and help couples achieve forgiveness.
Common Challenges Couples Face During Trust Repair
There may be a number of hurdles to overcome when repairing a relationship after trust is broken. From fear of being betrayed again to doubts, emotional avoidance or shutdown, to the potential of uneven healing timelines between partners, it is not a process that can happen overnight.
Different types of therapy can help address different challenges when it comes to rebuilding trust.
For example, researchers highlight that Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) devised by Dr Sue Johnson focuses on attachment injuries and works to address attachment-related wounds, supporting emotional repair between partners, whereas Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT)15 addresses the challenges of infidelity, focusing on relationship dynamics. The Gottman Method similarly emphasizes trust rebuilding, effective conflict management, and strengthening emotional connection through evidence-based relationship skills.
Rebuilding Intimacy After Trust Is Broken
Broken trust in a relationship can have a huge impact on physical closeness. For example, one survey16 of women revealed that emotional safety was strongly linked with feeling comfortable with physical intimacy.
Further research shows that people who have higher levels of betrayal trauma17 display lower levels of relationship intimacy satisfaction.
Rebuilding intimacy after trust is broken will take time and patience, and couples counselors can help couples rebuild connection gradually in a safe environment through vulnerability and reassurance.
Creating a New Relationship After the Rupture
When a betrayal has taken place, the old relationship has fallen away and couples must work to build a new relationship with newfound communication, boundaries and respect.
Research shows that couples who stay together following a betrayal often cite counseling or couples therapy as contributing to their success.
Couples can work together with a marriage counselor to let go of the assumptions from the old relationship and build up new communication patterns, re-establish emotional and physical connection and rebuild trust.
Counselors can help couples see repair as an opportunity for growth rather than returning to old behaviours and dynamics18 that led to the initial betrayal.
When Couples Therapy Is Especially Important
Repairing relationships after trust is broken can be more difficult without professional guidance from a couples counselor.
Research shows that couples that took part in counseling when working to repair their relationship saw higher levels of relationship satisfaction18.
Couples therapy may be especially important for partners who are struggling with trust or communication, or when one of both parties feel unheard or overwhelmed.
Trust Can Be Rebuilt — With Support
Healing trust and relationships after betrayal is possible, and with professional guidance couples can improve their chances of successfully repairing the rupture.
While it may take time, patience and facing difficult challenges, couples counsellors can help partners navigate the process with neutral, professional support in a safe environment.
Research shows that couples who participate in therapy often emerge with a stronger relationship that has improved communication19 and increased connection and honesty20.
